Planning your wedding is stressful. Planning your wedding night shouldn’t have to be. The tradition of wedding night sex comes from a time when the wedding night was the first time a couple would spend the night together, so there was all kinds of pressure to make it perfect. Now that more and more couples are shacking up before the big day, the level of expectation may not need to be as high.

“Many couples place an inordinate amount of stress on wedding night sex, believing that if sex isn’t had that bad luck will plague the marriage,” says relationship expert Laurel House. “That pressure is unrealistic and even romance-killing.”

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The weeks leading up to a wedding can be overwhelmingly stressful, especially for couples who choose to have big, expensive parties with hundreds of people. “Once the evening is over, the newlyweds are often absolutely exhausted and unable to give of themselves anymore. And if they do try to get intimate with their new till-death partner, the combination of stress of the day, too much food or booze, plus the pressure to perform can be simply too much to reach orgasm,” says House. “The best sex isn’t had when you ‘have’ to. It’s enjoyed when you are stress-less and able to fully let go, give, take, and consume each other!”

For those couples who do want to make wedding night sex a priority (and that’s ok, too!), a little planning ahead can go a long way. “You just need to decide: Are you really going to put all of your energy into the social ritual part of this at the reception, or are you going to put your energy into the two of you, and that’s a personal choice,” says Sex Therapist Dr. Holly Richmond. “Preparation will help with disappointment because you set your expectations.”

Whether it happens for you or it doesn’t, sex on your wedding night doesn’t need to be that big of a deal. The two of you have the rest of your lives (it’s official now!) to tear each other’s clothes off — it’s not worth obsessing over before, during or after the fact. Here, six brides share their personal experiences to tell you why.

Accidentally Took a Tylenol PM

“All my friends told me they didn’t have sex on their wedding nights, but I thought we would be the exception and packed all the lingerie I received at my shower. But once we got back to our hotel room, we put on sweatpants and counted the checks and cash [from our guests]. (I didn’t have a good plan for this because I didn't realize people were going to hand us envelopes full of cash like we were in The Godfather). After we were done, I called the front desk for a Tylenol (I threw out my neck from my 20,000 lbs. of hair extensions). They sent up a Tylenol PM instead, and I didn’t notice until after I’d taken it. Then I passed out. Game over.” –Ellen

We Were Way Too Tired

“There is so much stress and pressure of what happened that day, you’re too tired. Most people just go for pizza and go to sleep. And there’s pressure for sure — your parents invite friends and family that you have never met or care for, after smiling and being pleasant for hours you just want to relax and sleep. It has to be planned big time. Sure, you can leave the party extra early, but most people don’t do that because everyone wants to stay and dance.” –Gilda

Ranch Dressing > Sex

"Our room at the Beverly Hills Hotel was covered with rose petals from every rose from our ceremony, and I just remember walking through them in bare feet, ordering chicken fingers and french fries with ranch dressing and passing out.” –Cathy

Not in the Mood

“I think most people don’t have sex. We have sex all the time now, there is no need to have sex on your wedding night. No one wants to. You're exhausted and probably drunk and just want to pass the fuck out.” –Amanda

We Wanted to Enjoy the Party

"If you’re having sex on your wedding night, you’re doing it wrong. I wanted to enjoy the party that I had put so much into planning, I didn’t care if we both went home and passed out drunk." –Kara

And just so you know it is still possible for it to be great (even if it takes some planning):

“We had talked about it and planned ahead. I had brought it up and we both agreed that it was important to both of us. We planned out what were some things that we can do to make sure we make it to the wedding night, and he had it in his mind to make sure he didn't get wasted. We went back to the room and ripped each others clothes off, on the bed, off the bed, on the chair, on the balcony, all over the whole room. The whole day was so amazing, and we had all the emotions and all the feelings, and neither of us were too drunk. All the emotions of the day culminated in this crazy amazing sex” –Gina

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